Working with defences, resistance and edges in conflict communication

This is the third of three articles on working with unconscious/ unintended signals in conflict.

In the first article I looked at what may be hidden in the unconscious: repressed material, emergent aspects of personality and a channel for the collective unconscious.  I explored how this hidden material leaks into the awareness through non-verbal and unintended behaviour, double messages, etc.  Part two highlighted how unconscious or unintended signals can confuse communication and relationships.  I explored the need for a safe place - a holding environment - to support the surfacing of such signals into awareness and the development of ownership and responsibility for them.  Some ways of facilitating this work and the need for training in order to do it effectively were highlighted.

This final article on the topic deals with the resistances and defences we encounter when processing unconscious signals; discovering their meaning and integrating them into communication and action.  Earlier articles explored raising awareness and taking ownership of unconscious or unintended signals.  Here we focus on the connection between unconscious signals, psychological defences and the experience of boundaries or edges to our identity. Working with unconscious communication during conflict is highly challenging, but dealing with resistances and defences is often the most problematic and difficult aspect of all.  Energy is hot, stakes are usually high and volatility usually hampers attention and awareness.  Respect, time, understanding and compassion will be in high demand from those who undertake this work, which is clearly at the transformative end of approaches to working with conflict.  Mindell's writings (see review) provide a more in-depth exploration of the subject matter.

The need to overcome defensiveness

Incongruence and double-messages in communication are the most obvious way in which unconscious signals appear.  When unintended messages are entirely outside our awareness, it is usually difficult for us to admit and own our dissonant message or behaviour and apparent contradiction or incoherence in them.  For example, when someone unawarely uses power in an oppressive manner, the tendency will be to deny ownership and responsibility for the unintended behaviours even though the receiver or antagonist in the conflict may have observed them. 

The result is that the receiver is usually left to imagine the significance or intention behind the denied behaviour.  We will often jump to the conclusion that the sender is dishonest or hiding something and not to be trusted.  Assumed intentions, especially where incorrect (and they usually are) may become the basis for the antagonist's response and create yet further confusion that needs to be sorted out. 

Even if we do own up to sending dissonant and unintended messages it threatens our self-image.  It is like admitting that we are not quite in control of ourselves - we (our egos) like to think we are.  It is almost as if we cannot trust ourselves to give a coherent message.  We have to deal with the apparent split in our intentions/personality.  We have to admit to parts of us that are outside of our awareness and control.  We may feel shame or humiliation as a result and try to save face by denial or cover-up, but as mentioned in our first article, it is probable a truer reflection of what our personalities are like.

Working with identity, defences and resistance

Our needs, values and beliefs are key drivers of our behaviour, especially when they are challenged or under threat during conflict. A key need is a healthy self-concept or identity that underpins our self- confidence and ability to function well.  When our sense of ourselves is vulnerable or threatened we may unconsciously react defensively (fight, flight, freeze).  Only by raising awareness of our defences or resistance will we become conscious of what we are protecting, how our energy is being tied up in defence and how it may be limiting our choice or action.

Unconscious signals and their meaning and significance are often denied or resisted.  Bringing them into awareness requires delicate handling because of the threat to identity/integrity often experienced.  Working with unconscious signals is potentially both powerful and transformative but it can also be slow and difficult.  The danger of flooding - of bringing too much into awareness for the individual to assimilate - is always present.  So resistances and defences need to be treated with respect - discovering their purpose and easing the need for them rather than trying to demolish or devalue them.

Awareness, ownership and taking responsibility for unconscious signals is the first challenge.  An individual will need to feel supported if they are to explore unconscious or unintended communication in the midst of a conflict situation.  It may be that, initially, it is only possible to create a facilitative environment away from the conflicting interaction and even then it may take some time to integrate the new sense of identity.  A significant degree of psychological sophistication is needed to establish a relationship or holding environment that will contain and facilitate exploration of identity and defences.

Attachment to self-perceived identity and rigidity of self-concept

We can be so attached to or invested in false or unrealistic perceptions of who and what we are that we find it difficult to acknowledge what we are really like.  Holding to such pretence makes us feel vulnerable and means that anything incongruent with the pretence is experienced as a threat.  We often hear people say  - 'I can't believe I did that' or 'I know I didn't do it because I just would not do something like that!' A rigid self-concept distorts or limits their perception.  But we are growing and changing all the time!  We just have difficulty adjusting to our emerging identity because it is sometimes so much at odds with who or what we thought we were.  This defensive boundary, or 'edge' as Mindell terms it, is often experienced as a barrier during conflict and can impede constructive progress.  We need an identity that is both open to expansion and reality checks.

Equally we may find it difficult to accommodate and adjust to the emergent identity of the other party with whom we are in conflict and to bring ourselves to accept it, notwithstanding the incongruence with who or what we thought they were.  We may tell ourselves that we were 'fooled' or feel stupid for not recognising what they were like earlier.  However, such surprises are often simply a reflection of growth and development that has taken place in the other person and of our need to update.  It is like having to get to know the person again and suffer the insecurities that come with rebuilding trust between you.  This is even more difficult when it impacts negatively on your own interests or needs.

Promoting complexity and resilience in our identity

The sense of threat to our identity can come from within or without during conflict.  For example, it can be triggered by unrealistic self-image as mentioned above, by emergent aspects of our personality or by attacks on our worth or reputation from without.   If our identity or self-concept is too rigid, limited or unrealistic, and we see its continued existence 'as is' to be essential for our survival and efficacy, then it limits growth of identity and our capacity to respond effectively during conflict. 

Our identity is naturally fluid and expands and changes as we mature and become more self-aware. If it becomes too rigid, perhaps through being devalued, trauma or unhealthy conditioning, we lose that fluidity and we need to recover it.   To engage in and deal constructively with conflict, we need the capacity to endure threats to aspects of our identity without this resulting in a complete collapse or lapse into unconscious defence.  Having a more complex identity entails feeling confidence and sense of self-worth grounded in several other aspects of our identity, which will enable us to admit vulnerability without defensiveness when accused or under attack.

Working with edges

Mindell offers some useful ways of working with the blockages and resistances encountered when working at the 'edges' or the boundaries of our identity as we experience them.  According to Mindell, edges often enter our awareness as a reaction or resistance to another energy flow - encountering something that is 'not I' i.e. not part of my identity.  This happens during conflict.  Edges are related to self-concept and we often have to go 'over the edge' into what we define as 'not I' in the process of expanding our identity and transforming conflict.  Going over an edge can often mean admitting what we are accused of and are tending to deny/defend against and, paradoxically, doing it consciously and intentionally. 

A double edge is when both sides in a conflict reach an edge and there is a communication blockage: defence encounters defence.  If only one side goes over their edge there is likely to be a backlash or revenge from the other side later.  So both sides need to be helped to go over their edges, let down their defences and speak out for effective communication to be restablished.

Working with conflict sometimes means focusing on the individual and their communication processes, sometimes on the parties to the conflict and the dynamic between their communication processes, and sometimes on the context and the way in which the environment affects or expresses itself through the conflicting parties and their communication.  All have conscious and unconscious dimensions to the interactions that may need to be surfaced and engaged with.  Here we have explored some key issues in working with defences and edges but have not dealt with the interpersonal dynamics of facilitating live interactive situations - enough already!