Turning anger around - harnessing the energy 

This is the second of two articles on anger and conflict

Feelings of annoyance, anger and rage are always disturbing and negative in the sense that they indicate a lack of satisfaction, an unfulfilled need or expectation, a violation of our values.  This article is concerned with how we can turn this state around into a positive resource and experience the positive emotions that come from meeting our needs, honouring our values, and realising our expectations.  Passion and anger are close cousins but one is much more attractive. Inner personal development work is required, over and above learning of new interpersonal skills, if we wish to be able to perform this turnaround.

Take a situation (S) as being the event that triggers anger or conflict: (P) stands for the internal processing that we do in relation to the event e.g. perceiving, thinking, feeling, remembering, etc.: (R) is the behavioural response that arises out of our processing; and (O) is the outcomes that arises from our behavioural response and its impact on the other person. (O) of course creates a new situation (S)  which starts a new cycle of  S,P,R,O and so on. This is the basic learning cycle on which the turnaround is based.  Then S + P + R => O

We can continue to get mad at the world (O) or change our P & R. The outcome (O) may be the situation we desire, but if not, then we have to engage in further processing (P) and responding (R) until we achieve a satisfactory and sustainable outcome (O).  We generally do not have control of the situation so we need to concentrate on the parts that are within our control: - the processing (P) and the responding (R).  The quality of our processing and behavioural response underpins our capability to achieve the turnaround for both anger and conflict.  This article is primarily concerned with the processing (P) aspect of the cycle.

Anger is one expression of our drive toward self-assertion and self-realisation. When we are connected with this energy we feel more potent, vibrant and resilient.  The P & R challenges are to harness, focus and direct this energy in a constructive and respectful manner rather than having it run away with us; being master of it rather than at its mercy.  This means being able to consciously contain it and convert its power into focused, enduring action that will help us meet our needs and achieve our goals.

When anger is driven by unconscious defensive mechanisms, past traumas, or avoidance of our own pain and suffering we are likely to be less effective: we skip over the P aspect that allows us to refine our response and influence outcome.   A key element of harnessing the energy of anger, especially for those who are regularly subject to emotional hijack and destructive acting out of their anger, will be to explore the regressive tendencies and heal the damage done by past trauma. This may require help, for example, in the form of peer counselling, psychotherapy or personal development workshops.

Healthy anger serves us in three key ways: (a) it alerts us to danger and aids our survival; (b) it gives us a sense of direction by pointing to what is important and meaningful; (c) it provides the impetus for action to improve the situation. The P & R aspects of the cycle focus on how we access and direct this resource.

(a)     Our anger alerts us when we are physically or psychologically threatened, when our personal boundaries or territory are being invaded or transgressed, when our values are violated, etc.  The big challenge here is to recognise and articulate the feelings of fear and anger rather than jump straight into defensive and potentially destructive action before we have become conscious of the fear and anger driving our behaviour.

(b)     Once we become conscious of our anger we can discover its underlying meaning i.e. the values, needs, beliefs and expectations generating it.  This helps us communicate our needs and values to others, rather than imposing them on others by forceful action or denying that we have them if we feel unable to assert them.  The challenge here is to take responsibility for generating our own feelings, identifying our needs and values and articulating them clearly to others.

(c)     Anger moves us to action to improve the situation, meet the need, etc. and again it is our responsibility as adults to meet our needs and to act in favour of what is important to us.  The challenge is to get the direction and the pace of movement right and to use our power in a way that is mindful of others who may have different goals or expectations to find a respectful way of meeting our needs and standing for our values.

Enhancing our processing ability requires attention, among other aspects, to the following:-

Self-awareness and being in touch with our emotions underpins all approaches to managing and harnessing our anger and dealing with conflict.  98% of the emotional receptors are in our bodies.  To become aware of our emotions we must attend to sensations in our bodies and not to what is going on in our minds.  Our minds may help us discriminate between or interpret the type of emotion we are experiencing. Sometimes it substitutes a mental picture, a memory or mislabels the emotion or even generates or escalates emotion.  The challenge is to develop a moment-to-moment capacity for simultaneous experience and self-observation.  Stay awake, become an attentive witness  - emotions only happen in the present and attention to what is happening right here and right now is the basis to emotional self-awareness. 

Ownership of emotion and needs: We often confuse emotions with mental pictures that generate them or with (S) the stimulus, event or behaviour of others and thereby deny our responsibility for creating our own emotions.  If others create our anger, it lets us off the hook, as we don't have to take responsibility for our anger or subsequent behaviour.  However, it places us in their control and they can do it to us again, leaving us with a sense of impotence. Turning this around by accepting that we generate our own emotional responses through our needs, values, beliefs, and expectations, helps put us back in charge of our anger rather than at the mercy of it. 

Moving from negative reactions to positive values can turn an incoherent rant or inarticulate rage into meaningful and potentially influential communication and action in favour of what is important.  Angry reactions concerning values usually point very clearly to what we are 'against' but do not tell us what we are 'for', which is what we need to be clear about if our anger is to become a positive source of energy for achieving what we value.  It is as if you have process an internal 180 degree turn 'away from' to 'toward' values and find a way of articulating a compelling vision of what that would look, sound and feel like.  Being able to articulate what you stand for and what you see as being important in this way always has a more positive and motivating impact than a negative 'against' reaction. 

Recognising triggers, whether they be situational, personal, others' behaviour, etc. is another aspect of self-awareness that can help avoid many occasions of defensive emotional hijack.  Some will be triggered by authoritarian behaviour, manipulative behaviour, vulnerability regarding their competence or self-worth and so on.  Self-observation and getting feedback from others can help us build up awareness of our triggers and often help anticipate potential emotional hijack, destructive responses or ease the grip these triggers exert on us.  It will also help us become clearer about our own needs and values and be more proactive in pursuing them.

Creating time and space:  Taking the time to feel the anger, (not  getting swept away by the adrenalin rush), by slowing down, paying attention to the subtler emotions and not leaping into action or moving things along too quickly thereby depriving others of choice and also limiting your own.  Here, action can mean physical reaction but it also includes action such as requests, demands, judgements, critical attack - i.e. action aimed at getting your way, or your needs met before you have had time to articulate them clearly to yourself or the person with whom you are in conflict.  Using your rank and power to rush the situation may surprise people or gain temporary advantage but it also tends to produce outcomes that parties to the conflict might not otherwise choose and thereby escalate the conflict. Or it may give the appearance of real choice, but leave parties with a sense of having been taken advantage of.  Count to ten, step back, create space to feel and process emotions.

Recognising distorted expressions of anger is important especially where there is denial of external expressions of anger or where the anger has been turned inward onto oneself rather than outward onto others.  Distorted expressions may have been the only safe way of expressing our anger in our early environment and some people may still be expressing their anger in such unclear or unhealthy ways even though the situation no longer warrants it.  They may be deeply fearful of changing their way of processing and responding and find it hard to believe that the expected consequences are not inevitable, or possibly, even likely.  Recognising distorted and unhealthy expressions of anger is a first step to changing them. They include self-harm, negative self-talk, angry crying, gossip, spiteful behaviour, etc.

Discovering and changing self-limiting beliefs that undermine our valuing of anger and the healthy expression of it is a critical skill in turning anger into a positive resource.  These might include turning around, for example, the belief that anger is dangerous, shameful or abnormal that can lead to repression of instinctual energies and alienating us from the very life force that fuels our self-assertion and self-actualisation.   Many of these beliefs mask our fear and restrain our options and actions.  Turning around such beliefs may require that we deal with our fears of imagined consequences.

Seeking subtler emotions hiding beneath anger may be like opening a Pandora's box but it can also unlock the secrets to chronic and repetitive experiences of anger.  Anger and rage can be a mask - a buffer for underlying feelings of vulnerability, fear, shame, grief, sense of powerlessness and so on, resulting from earlier trauma or psychological damage.  Anger can be both a drawing of attention to it and a defence against the rawness of the underlying pain and suffering, inviting support but pushing it away.  Turning this around will require both courage to re-experience the pain and a relationship of trust and support to make sense of the experience and get past the fear that it will be repeated.

While this article outlines some of the key ways of processing our anger it is difficult to convey in print the subtleties of the actual experience of managing and turning around unhealthy or destructive ways of dealing with anger.  Publications referred to offer self-development processes and further support is available through counsellors, coaches and workshops for those who may need further assistance.