Assume that you do not fully understand all you need to know about ourselves, the other, the conflict or the context and being willing to inquire.

See the other as someone who is in pain and worthy of being loved and respected.

See the other as someone who is having difficulty communicating or articulating what they need.

Reflect back your understanding of what is said and invite further disclosure by giving undivided attention rather than attending to your reply.

Evaluate without blame or judgement.

Separate impact from intention – just because something hurts does not mean it was intended.

Raise awareness of double messages and inquire empathically into the possible meaning of both.

Admit to what you are accused of, even when only a tiny % is true, and be willing to explore how may contribute to the conflict.

Seek out disconfirmation of own position and view – what have you learned that disconfirms something you thought to be true?

Inquire into what the other feels and needs when they are attacking or judging you.

Separate out and write what is noticed, felt, thought, during communication but left unsaid, from what has actually been expressed into left and right columns. Consider sharing contents of your left hand column with the other.

Listen without resistance – notice what you have an edge against. Ask - what am I unable to hear and what might be at stake or at risk if I do hear it?

Notice the voices I marginalize within myself. Ask - what doubts do I have about this issue? Am I experiencing mixed feelings, value conflicts, uncertainties or dilemmas?

Notice your unease with the position or interpretation you adopt. Ask - am I uncomfortable with the stance I am taking? In what way might I be feeling ambivalent about this?

Take the opportunity to voice these ambivalence, discomfort, or to represent the other side.

Be on the lookout for breakthrough moments. Ask - what has surprised you or what is new that you have learned from what has been said. How might it affect your feelings, views, beliefs, perceptions, etc. Consider sharing this information.

Ask if it is possible that you are leaping to incorrect conclusions or making inappropriate assumptions? See if you can track the pathway between observable data, through your interpretations, to your conclusions and test out your assumptions and beliefs by illustrating and sharing your reasoning (ladder of inference, Argyris).

When you feel the need to attack ask - what is hurting inside you so much that you feel the need to attack someone in order to feel better?

When you feel the need to defend ask - what is at risk or being threatened that you feel so vulnerable or is in need of protection?

If you are having difficulty listening or regaining your balance so you can listen effectively, ask - what would need to happen or what would you need in order to be able to listen effectively?

How would you be listening if this were your child or best friend?


(Thanks to Sara Rozenthuler of Dialogue Associates for her suggestions)