Make emotions explicit and acknowledge them as legitimate and valuable.

Separate the relationship (trust, truth, power, etc.) from the substance of the problem at hand and deal with relationship and emotion first.

Don’t deduce their intentions from your fears – they are often multiple and complex and we usually do not know what they are.

Assume the other has good intentions and possibly a communication problem they may need assistance with.

Notice when you are blaming them for your problem – ask "what is my contribution"?

Recognise your feelings and your needs, values or beliefs that generate them, especially when you are being judgemental, critical or attributing blame.

Take responsibility for creating your own emotions and beware being hijacked by them.

When you feel strongly ask - what do you need or value that is important?

When your feelings are aroused ask - "what beliefs do I hold that might be creating my emotional response and are these beliefs realistic or appropriate"?

Remember - just because you believe you are in the right it does not mean the other is in the wrong.

Give others uninterrupted time and space to release their feelings/ to let off steam.

Don’t react to emotional outbursts; retaliation leads to escalation.

Reflect back their feelings and underlying needs and values.

Speak about yourself not about them and avoid inflaming or escalating.

Help others understand how your emotional response relates to your needs, interests and values.

Request actions that will help meet your needs where appropriate.

Help others to save face – to back off with dignity.

Face the problem not the people.