At a recent workshop between two warring parties a participant said to me – “There seems to be a competition between us as to who is suffering the most. When one side speaks of their suffering the other side goes into uproar or walks out. This is getting in the way of our being able to deal with our conflict. Suffering is suffering regardless of who or how many of us suffer but we are not able to listen to each other’s suffering – it is too painful we can’t bear to hear it.” This is not untypical of many conflicts, so how we deal with the suffering of parties needs to be part and parcel of our repertoire for facilitating healthy conflict.

Several questions come to mind –
How do we understand suffering and what causes our suffering?
Does listening to/hearing about the suffering of others help in dealing constructively with conflict?
What is it that makes listening to other peoples’ suffering (particularly our opponents’ suffering) so difficult that we cannot listen to/hear them?
What is it that switches off, inflames or sends opposing parties into uproar or even retaliatory attack?
Is there a way of communicating our suffering in a way that does not inflame and escalate?
Does being able to suffer better help us in dealing more effectively with conflict?

Why bother?
In the February 08 issue, Motivations and Goals for Dealing with Conflict, I discussed four key motivations for engaging in conflict work:-

In that article I pointed out that our natural instinct is to avoid, prevent or gain relief from pain and suffering whether it be physical, emotional or mental. We try to stop, get out of, or get rid of it as fast as possible. This may result in us giving in, lashing out, trying to wipe out the perceived cause of our pain, or avoiding contact. We may avoid asserting our needs or interests for fear of retaliation or damaging a relationship or go to great lengths to prevent painful interactions.

Our inability to experience pain and suffering and to contain our reactions leads to breakdown in communication that gets in the way of effectively dealing with conflict. Our tendency to attack the perceived source of our pain and suffering can escalate conflict and lead to further suffering. We need to find better ways of addressing our suffering if we are to alleviate pain and resolve or transform the conflict. Further, I suggest that suffering, when approached mindfully, skilfully and compassionately, is part of a process of transformation and makes the suffering which inevitably accompanies conflict, into a more meaningful, humanising and beneficial experience.

It is essential at the outset to emphasise that I do not want to encourage or glorify suffering or give it some kind of elevated status as has been the case in some religious mindsets. I do not believe suffering per se is valuable. I believe it is inevitable in conflict but we do not need to add to it. But given that we do experience pain and suffering in the course of conflict, I suggest we can learn to suffer in ways that make it a beneficial rather than a destructive one – one that avoids creating further suffering. We have many options in relation to our suffering – e.g. deny, lash/act out, prevent, alleviate, minimise, dissociate from, inquire into, transform. The choice is ours. Lets explore some underlying concepts and assumptions.

Do we agree on what we mean by suffering?
Popular views of suffering might describe it as unhappiness or dissatisfaction, to feel pain or trauma. These descriptions suggest that there can be different degrees of suffering but can we really compare or say who is suffering more? So what underlies this competition for who is suffering most? Are we suggesting that some people feel pain more, or that some sources of pain and trauma cause greater suffering than others? How do we compare breaking your leg, as against separation from a loved one or the mental agony of being tied to a situation over which we have no control? It seems impossible to objectively measure, yet we do know subjectively that there are different degrees of pain and suffering. It is also clear from studies that the same event can be experienced as more or less painful by different people so the best guide may still be to witness and listen as best we can to those who are suffering.

Day in and day out in conflicts, we see so much misery but many people suffer without understanding the sources of their unhappiness. Too often during conflict, there is a partial understanding which, when acted upon, tends to exacerbate their suffering. Driven by blind ambition, lust, anger, desire for revenge, etc. they enter into a vicious cycle of hurting others and as a result, continue suffering themselves.

We tend to generalise or globalise when we speak about out suffering. Speaking of it in detail brings our suffering closer, is more painful than talking “about” it, but helps deepen our experience and understanding. Such close attention and focus helps us unpack and clarify our experience and differentiate between different types of suffering – physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or communal suffering. Harvesting our individual and collective experience takes to the heart of suffering far more than conceptual meanings alone. Approaching it in this way helps unpack it’s meaning, deepens our understanding and it functions as a kind of awakener for us all.

Suffering/ pain is probably best understood in terms of the combination of outer circumstances and inner processing and experience. Like conflict, people can react differently to the suffering they experience for example how they react in dreadful circumstances over which they have no control. Speaking of his experience in concentration camps during World War 2, Victor Frankl tells that some gave up, some fought against their circumstances others accepted but continued to stand for their values despite great suffering. He said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves." In life we are often faced with unwanted circumstances -- an unachieved goal, an insult, an injury, or even the death of a loved one. Often times, nothing can be done to change things on the outside, and despite knowing that rationally, it proves difficult to even accept things the way they are, let alone be at peace with them.

For many the initial response to suffering may be to go into action, whether personal or social, to alleviate, escape from, or attack/defend against the perceived cause of the suffering and to prevent further suffering. Taking action may help relieve some of the sense of powerlessness but may also add to suffering where nothing can be done or the understanding is partial or incorrect. From a social activist perspective, the practice of “not-doing” and doing no harm might be viewed as increasing their suffering. The implicit challenge here is to understand the roots of your suffering so that effective action can be taken to alleviate or stop it. When in shock don’t do or say anything until lucidity or mindfulness returns.

Viewed from a growth or developmental perspective, suffering in the context of conflict can be seen as part of the process - an incomplete process. Suffering is a sign of a system – a person, group or community involved in a change or transition process that is incomplete. It is an indicator of a process trying to complete itself and its completion will alleviate, dissolve, transform into something else more sustainable and less painful - hopefully of a higher value and resolution even if temporary. In this perspective suffering can be conceptualised as the growing pains of the individual, community or organisation. Suffering is what can arise as part of our experience of learning/ growth/ change. This is a far cry from seeing it as some kind of divine punishment as is suggested in some religions and offers a more hopeful or meaningful frame for approaching suffering.

The following story frames suffering and its alleviation in social terms:
When asked for help to understand suffering a rabbi shows glimpses of heaven and hell. In hell the rabbi shows a picture of many suffering, emaciated people surrounded by an abundance of food. These hungry people are trying to feed themselves using spoons with very large handles – too long for them to be able to get them into their mouths. Despite their best efforts to get the food into their mouths they fail and continue to suffer from hunger pains. The glimpse of heaven reveals almost exactly the same scenario. However, the people are healthy and can be seen feeding each other with the long-handled spoons. What is clear from this and other stories is that the way we think about and act in conflict scenarios in which we find ourselves influences our suffering for better or worse and can enable us to alleviate and transform it no matter how dreadful the circumstances.

General roots of suffering
There are many different views and explanations as to what causes suffering and why or how we suffer, many of which come from psychological, sociological and spiritual perspectives. Many believe that the roots of suffering lie in the human condition–

Sources of suffering during conflict
Suffering is part of being human – our vulnerability is a fact of life and there is no evading it, much as some of us may think from time to time including during conflict. Whether it is at the mercy of global or local catastrophes over which we have little or no control or as a result of man made social injustices, discrimination or exploitation, we do suffer. Research show that in conflict, people tend to underestimate the environmental and contextual causes of conflict – perhaps because they are more difficult to see and the causal mechanisms are hard to identify and gain agreement about. The tendency in the western world particularly is to look for some one or something to blame and to personalise conflicts – the underlying assumption being that, where people are involved, someone is responsible for my suffering.

For such people, often the majority, suffering is an experience of pain and they view this pain as being created by external circumstances and therefore see the way to alleviate or even prevent suffering is to change or get rid of the social or environmental sources or causes. This may take the form of drugs that relieve painful symptoms, changing the social conditions or providing material or economic aid where that is needed. This view underlies responses from the perspective of medical and social sciences and is clearly of benefit in relieving suffering and conflict.

A psychological view (Rosenberg) suggests that our suffering is internally created – the assumption being that it is our response to the situation that creates our suffering rather than the external circumstances. Here suffering is understood as the stress and pain generated by unmet needs, violated values and unrealised beliefs or expectations. Suffering appears in the form of negative emotions such as fear, grief, anger, jealousy and so on. This view places the alleviation or minimisation or transformation of suffering in our own hands through making the connection between outer events and inner experience. By identifying the needs, values, beliefs, expectations, attitudes etc. generating our emotions we can try and find other ways of meeting our needs where possible which, in turn, will alleviate our suffering and enable more positive/ pleasurable emotional states.

This view holds that awareness, ownership and responsibility for addressing our own needs, values, beliefs, etc. and the emotional states enables individuals feel less dependant and more empowered to address their own suffering. This in turn enhances our empathy and compassion for others and motivates us to inquire into, be more conscious of how others may be suffering during conflict and how to relieve it. Suffering is alleviated through owning and processing the negative emotional states during conflict and minimises our tendency to see the other as causing and responsible for alleviating our suffering. “The behavior of others may be a stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause. We are never angry because of what someone else did...It’s not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that produce my anger.” Marshall Rosenberg.

A spiritual perspective, such as the Buddhist one, proposes that life is suffering and it is transient/ impermanent (Suzuki). The Noble Truths of the Buddha emphasise awareness of suffering; awareness of the cause of suffering; awareness of the path out of suffering. This view suggests that we suffer because of our attachments to our desires and cravings that can never satisfy us. Our longing, desire and beliefs that we will be happy if we possess people, power or objects, are misleading and cause pain and suffering. D.T. Suzuki suggests that we avoid attachments and craving to lessen our suffering. If I practice desire I suffer, if you are suffering, see if you are practising desire, we are advised. “By understanding the nature of the self, one learns to avoid attachments and grasping for absolutes, which is the cause of suffering”

Often we want to escape our pain – the Buddhist outlook of coping with or even enjoying our suffering is therefore radical. Rather than taking the stance that I should not be suffering, do not deserve to be suffering, or that it is a punishment of some kind, I embrace it, experience it and thereby transcend it to a state of enlightened non-attachment. Through such suffering we can attain a state where we are less limited by the fear of suffering which is often as debilitating than the experience of the pain itself. We realise that by being less attached to our ego with its personal needs and vulnerabilities, we achieve a state of equanimity that alleviates or lessens debilitating impact of suffering. Buddhism offers many kinds of meditative practice to facilitate the attainment of such states. Such a view holds the possibility that we can develop the capacity work on and transform through suffering and not just a victim of it. By practicing presence and non-attachment in relation to our suffering we are less likely to engage in harmful reactions when in conflict.

In forthcoming issues I will explore how these concepts and practices can be applied.