Personal suffering and conflict

This is the second of three articles on the subject

In this article on I will explore how we can dignify and gain value from our personal suffering during conflict.

Raising oneself above dehumanising outward circumstance has long been the hallmark of great leaders; the willingness to suffer on behalf of others characteristic of some of our most revered human beings. The way you bear your suffering is a genuine inner achievement – an expression of inner liberty/ spiritual freedom and choice. Suffering our own pain in a meaningful and dignified manner, forgiving, letting go and moving on does not come easy to most of us never mind being willing to bear suffering for others. Yet this is often what is needed to deal with conflict in a constructive manner.

Like the fear of conflict, the fear of suffering can be worse than the suffering itself. When we let ourselves into the experience it is often less painful and more bearable than we expected. Also when we suffer in pursuit of our values or our dreams it becomes more meaningful and bearable. We might adopt an attitude of inquiry - what can I learn or discover that takes me a step closer to my dream or what outcome of the conflict would make it worth enduring such a painful experience?

We need support to suffer well
When we suffer, our personality may fragment if the pressure is too great. We may get polarised or split into the part that is suffering and the part that appears to cause our suffering. This may appear as, “there is something wrong with me”, or “there is something wrong with you”, resulting in internalised oppression or insensitive or abusive behaviour toward opponents. Working effectively with conflict requires that we recover and heal these parts of ourselves. Taking the attitude that what we are in conflict with in the other is also part of us and needs to be integrated, can greatly ease such polarisation and internalised oppression.

People need help and practice, at least initially, to hold their attention at the learning and transformative edge of their suffering. For example, when someone supports my awareness, takes my side or accompanies me in my suffering, even stands up for me or acts as protector/advocate and expresses support for me, it allows me to get on my own side and experience it more fully. It allows me to go deep into my own vulnerability, accessing the pain that I am feeling. In the midst of conflict such vulnerability usually feels unbearable and we may cut off from feeling it or lash out at the perceived source. We are more likely to marginalize it and put on a strong front and protect ourselves. Support to go deep into our own hurt also enables us to connect better to the suffering of others.

I remember times as a young boy, being physically beaten or taunted by adults and peers but refusing to cry or show that I was hurting. I wanted to show them that I was strong enough to take it that they could not kill my spirit. This of course often inflamed them even further and I got an even greater beating because they wanted to break me – to make sure I would not do it again, perhaps even to banish fears of their own powerlessness over me.

In many such repeated moments of beating or ridicule, I split and marginalized the pain, the shame and the vulnerability. I protected my spirit, repressed my rage and survived by denying my suffering rather than allowing myself to feel it or be shattered by it. Part of me was damaged in doing this or at least retreated so far from public accessibility that I could not be so easily hurt again. The power differential was too great. I could not imagine that showing vulnerability and feeling the pain and humiliation would bring anything but more pain. I unconsciously retreated into my protective shell.

The price was high, as it also created insensitivity to my own and others suffering while preserving my essence and spirit. Expecting not to be cared for became the norm in such situations and avoiding making things worse by not standing up for myself and numbing my pain became my defensive strategy. Unfortunately with it went the capacity to feel many of the positive feelings, the joy, the delight the sense of vibrancy that goes with being fully functional.

It is like driving a car with the dashboard out of order or switched off. When a car is low on petrol, oil or water, lights usually begin to flash to warn us. We are expected to notice these lights and interpret the messages they send to us about what is needed. If the dashboard is not working, we do not get the signals and cannot take the appropriate action so the car functions poorly or breaks down. This experience of shutting down or numbing the pain is more common than we realise and so we miss or marginalize crucial emotional signals during conflict.

Repressing our emotional responses may temporarily allow us to endure or avoid the intense pain of harsh experience but it severely limits our functioning during conflict and cripples our relationship capacity, and maybe eventually our health, unless our capacity to feel is healed and restored. Our defence against suffering blocks or dulls information about our feelings and impact of our behaviour in relating to others. We appear programmed and robot-like – nobody is home emotionally - which often unintentionally escalates the conflict even further.

Being aware of suffering during conflict
Unbearable and prolonged suffering tends to de-humanise us. But suffering can also help us humanise us – it helps us understand our shared vulnerability and our need for care and protection from danger and threat. But it is difficult to do this in the midst of conflict if your dashboard lights are out of order. Cut off in this way you miss the signals of your own hurt and that of others and fail to respond appropriately because you just don’t have the required up to date information. You are probably operating out of some old belief or traumatic experience that is not based on the current situation and so may create more unnecessary pain for yourself and others.

Re-experiencing past suffering in a supportive environment can prevent it contaminating the present conflict and allows us to be more in the present. Whether past or present being in touch with our pain means paying close attention to different channels of awareness. For many, access to the experience of pain and suffering is through physical or proprioceptive feeling. For others, it may be experienced through the auditory channel e.g. retelling their story or it may be through visual channel - having others re-enact it so they can see it. We are more likely to experience and make sense of our pain if somebody is willing to listen but failing that we can also learn to listen more deeply to ourselves even in the heat or fear of conflict and find effective ways of communicating it.

Unfortunately there is no pill that we can buy for much of the suffering we experience during conflict though many use alcohol, drugs and other addictions to dull or escape the pain. The challenge is to prevent further suffering during conflict, to accept it and make it meaningful, to explore its potential for learning and transformation and alleviate its impact. Who suffers most is not the issue so much as how can we acknowledge, dignify, support and benefit from the suffering of all sides in a conflict. The following are some ways that can help us achieve this.

Suffering as a body symptom
Sometimes, suffering takes the form of a painful body symptom that we see as caused by the other or the stress of the conflict. We can try to experience it more deeply from a place of awareness by amplifying the symptom in various channels, allowing its message to unfold rather than shying away from it or using drugs to rid us of the pain.

A symptom can be treated as if it is an unresolved conflict between the “symptom maker” and the one who suffers the impact. We can create a dialogue between the two parts instead of just identifying with or dissociating from the part of us that experiences the suffering. Identifying with the “symptom maker” seems counter intuitive but shifts awareness and makes new insight possible. Exploring our pain in this way may show us a way forward or uncover stronger parts of ourselves that take us beyond being at the mercy of our pain or opponent. We may discover we are more like our opponents than we think and find it easier to relate to them. Often too, the symptom can disappear as the conflicted parts are understood and brought into relationship with the other.

Identity hurt
It is painful when what we value or identify with is threatened, attacked or damaged. For example my professional reputation, identity as a loving father, or my sense of competence may be attacked. Usually, the more attached we are, the more painful the experience. We may instinctively defend ourselves – fight, flight, play dead – without quite realising what has been hurt or we may feel vulnerable but be unable to protect ourselves from attack. Becoming aware that it is our identity/ self image that has been wounded helps to begin with.

We are usually bigger than any given aspect of our identity and it helps to be able to dis-identify from it while acknowledging the hurt and to connect with other aspects of our identity that are more robust and less vulnerable. Sometimes we need to go beyond the edge and comfort of our self image to discover how it causes us so much suffering. Our identities can create the illusion of security and stability but we may be unaware of how they imprison us and limit our freedom and capacity to live and relate to those outside its boundary. Our self image does not have to define us for ever – we can develop an expanded or more fluid identity that means we will suffer less when attacked during conflict.

Acting out and recapitulating suffering
The ability to contain our pain and suffering rather than act it out destructively is a major challenge when dealing with conflict. We often blame others for painful emotions and believe that by getting rid of the perceived cause of painful emotions like fear, grief, anger, jealousy, etc., we will be happier.

Reacting out of pain rather than suffering it is likely to add to suffering. Cutting ourselves off or punishing others for our pain – exacting revenge or retribution/ justice - does not heal or help us understand our own suffering and vulnerability though we often hope it will protect us from suffering further. Going on about it rather than daring to feel it, may even reinforce our negative views of the other and leave us suffering in anger or self pity on top of any injury or abuse suffered. It also makes it less likely that the conflict will be resolved and more likely that it will escalate.

Taking responsibility for our suffering
It is common for people in conflict to blame others for their suffering. It is also true that others hurt us by their actions or add to our suffering by their responses to adverse circumstances and traumatic events. However, we can alleviate much emotional pain by realising that our emotional pain is generated by our own needs, values, beliefs and expectations rather than the actions of others. (I have explored Rosenberg’s work on processing our emotions in earlier issues)

Awareness of the un-met needs, violated values, unrealised beliefs and expectations driving our emotional suffering and defensive responses (fight, flight, freeze) places us in a stronger position to communicate them more effectively or meet them in other ways. For example, it is our own high dream of relationship that generates our disappointment - not the other person who did not live up to our hopes. By realising this we can communicate what we value more effectively or let go and find another with whom to pursue our high dream rather than punishing the one who “let us down”.

Inability to defend/ protect oneself from abuse /oppression
We suffer more when we are unable to defend ourselves from exploitation or abuse of power . Having our freedom taken away feels bad enough but our suffering is compounded when we are coerced to do something against our values or wishes. When I feel helpless and perceive myself to be powerless in the face of institutional or structural violation, I may begin to feel frustrated or furious and act in a vengeful to recover some sense of potency and choice. The challenge is to be able to shift the balance of power in a way that does not add to suffering. I always have a choice even if limited or unseen.

Suffering arises from dependence - on a person or institution or from attachment to what we desire. We may need to let go of what we desire, even if temporarily, or find a way of becoming more independent of the person or institution in order to alleviate our suffering. Equally we may suffer from having unrealistic expectations and beliefs about how others should behave and then become disappointed or feel let down because they did not meet these expectations. Re-evaluating our beliefs and expectations can help alleviate suffering as can finding more healthy ways of meeting our needs. These approaches help us feel more empowered, create more choices and recover a sense of dignity.

Getting stuck in the victim role
We can become so identified with being a victim that we add to our own and other’s suffering and create intractable conflict. When we convince ourselves that we are the only victims, we may justify any behaviour to protect ourselves against our perceived oppressor. While accepting the need for protective use of force at times, the borderline between protection and oppression is a slim one and we can easily add to rather than alleviate suffering. Learning to switch roles and explore ghost roles can help us become more fluid and aware. E.g. the role of those who witness the oppression but are silent, who see but feel unable to take action to protect, who may have a vested interest in, or at least benefit from its continuance, and so directly or indirectly collude with the oppression. The role of the silent bystander in contributing to suffering is less often explored but potentially invaluable in alleviating it.

Change can be painful for us
Suffering that we experience during conflict can be seen as growing pains - as indicative of an incomplete process of change. In conflict, we may be asked to change in ways that are unknown or alien to us. It may be our identity, values, the way we behave, the way we think or relate and so on. The Kubler-Ross stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance help illuminate the suffering process when one is faced with death but they may also be usefully applied to the potential losses we are faced with, changes trying to emerge or that one is being forced to endure when in some kinds of conflict. Awareness that we are in the midst of an incomplete change process may help us stay alert to what is trying to happen and what it may be asking of us developmentally.

An uplifting attitude to our suffering
When we give it our attention, our suffering unfolds, enlightens us and moves us on. Noticing in a mindful manner changes us and opens up new perspectives if we experience the full force rather than dissociating from it or being afraid to experience it. Suffering can rebalance our system – and can bring healing and harmony. Grief transforms into gratitude, fear into expanded capacity for joy and to live a more vibrant life, despair into renewal of hope for the high dream. With practice, fully connecting with unmet needs, dashed expectations, etc. can often mean we are less at their mercy, less attached to them, more capable of forgiving ourselves and others, and of letting go and moving on.

Being present with our suffering
“To stop the war and come into the present is to discover a greatness of our own heart that can include the happiness of all beings as inseparable from our own. When we let ourselves feel the fear, the discontent, the difficulties we have always avoided, our heart softens. Just as it is a courageous act to face all the difficulties from which we have always run, it is also an act of compassion. According to (various) scriptures, compassion is the "quivering of the pure heart" when we have allowed ourselves to be touched by the pain of life. The knowledge that we can do this and survive helps us to awaken the greatness of our heart. With greatness of heart, we can sustain a presence in the midst of life's suffering, in the midst of life's fleeting impermanence. We can open to the world -- its ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows. Jack Cornfield, "A Path With Heart"

In next issue I will explore how we can relate to the suffering of others during conflict.