The right to contend - acknowledging there is a conflict

Strangely, one of the earliest challenges we often face is awareness and acknowledgement that we are in conflict.  At the early stages of conflict people gossip about, blame, criticise, judge, become angry with the other, or may attack or retaliate before even acknowledging to themselves or others that they are in conflict with their opponent.  Framing needs to shift from what the other is doing wrong to what is going on between the parties. Acknowledgement that there is a conflict going on between parties is a critical step towards constructive interaction because it helps antagonists work 'on' the conflict as well as 'in' it.  It immediately sets up the possibility of a valuable third perspective on the interaction.

Many resist acknowledgement that they are in conflict.  There is a fear of conflict or a belief that one may be abnormal or lacking in some way if one is in conflict.  So the tendency is to frame conflict as the other's problem or misbehaviour - "nothing to do with me", "if they did not behave that way everything would be fine", rather than admit that a key barrier to progress is internal to the individual.  Doing the inner-work needed to overcome these barriers is important if progress is to be made.

Acknowledgement here means admitting that the conflict is to do with us, that we are part of the problem and need to be part of the resolution. It also legitimises the other's right to conflict with you, honours their existence and their having (the right to have) different perspectives, needs, values, etc.  It is a way of saying "I will do you the honour of showing up to contend, debate, dialogue with you" and this sets the stage for genuine engagement of some kind.

Establishing such acknowledgement by both sides is a major step forward.  Lack of it is apparent when we refuse to speak with or engage with the other, when we deny that our behaviour/attitude may be part of the problem, when we suppress, dismiss or ignore the other's right to challenge or be listened to. Where acknowledgement is absent or refused, destructive use of power e.g. personal attack, sabotage or even violence on the part of those of lower rank/less power may be used until such recognition is achieved.

Failure to achieve this shift of attitude can result in recurring cycles of low-level or all-out violation, retaliation and suffering for all parties that becomes increasingly costly and more difficult to get out of. Generally the earlier the turnaround the easier it can be achieved and the suffering can be minimised.  All too often, great suffering or even death takes place before antagonists will give acknowledgement to the other side.   Third party intervention -support, pressure or both - may be needed to facilitate it.

Holding back on the "nuclear option" - containing the drive/desire for revenge

A repeated pattern that appears in working with conflicts involving misuse of rank, power and privilege occurs when those with less rank and power, who may have struggled and suffered from oppression or abuse of power for some time, begin to find ways of exercising their power that their oppressors cannot counter or defend themselves against.   The tendency is to "go nuclear" - to use all the power available to them at once to hurt, punish/exact retribution, to make the perceived oppressor suffer as they themselves have, now that they have the power to do so.  The challenge is to stay the desire for revenge (sometimes called getting justice) in pursuit of the bigger prize of mutually enhancing use of power and respectful and uplifting relationships.  It is not a small challenge but an essential one if sustainable outcomes are to be achieved fairly swiftly.

It is easy, and perhaps understandable, for people in such circumstances to get caught up in retribution and forget that what is needed is acknowledgement, for one's right to exist and dialogue, to stop the abuse of power, to be respected and honoured, to get to the negotiating table.  Getting caught up in the rush of power, revenge and retribution, even if by use of formal adversarial or legal means, may irreparably damage relationships and the opportunity to deal with the underlying generative factors and dynamics which will eventually resurface and recur.  The challenge is awareness and conscious use of one's powers.

One difficulty is that people who have been oppressed may only discover that they have power through exercising it, albeit destructively.  Also they usually take such destructive action out of a sense of powerlessness - of being unable to be heard or influence the situation, rather than from any sense of their own power.  Further, they may not realise they have such power for some time into the destructive action because of the tendency of the other side to conceal the impact or admit their vulnerability and suffering.  Unfortunately, this concealment of sufferings just prolongs the attack and pain and provokes further cycles of oppression, escalation and attrition.

As the less powerful gain a sense of their power (at least to hurt or humiliate) they often gain in self-esteem but may become inflated by and dependent on the 'rush' of power, or fear that if they stop using it they will again be ignored or marginalized.  They may get addicted to using power destructively and may erroneously begin to believe they can force the other into doing what they want by hurting/punishing them.  They in turn become the oppressor abusing their power and fail to recognise or admit that they are doing what they accused their perceived oppressor of doing.  Becoming conscious of and owning up to our own inner tendencies to misuse our power and act oppressively can awaken us to the need to avoid such addiction and use our power constructively.

In summary, becoming aware of our power, foregoing the opportunity for revenge, building compassion through remembering our own suffering and being aware of the impact of our use of power can help us avoid destructive reaction to oppression and learn to use our power in a mutually beneficial manner.

We usually expect those of higher rank to be more aware of and take more responsibility for life-enhancing use of their rank and power and so it should be.  However, my experience has been that it is often those who have been oppressed who lead the breakthroughs and show the greatest generosity and psychological/spiritual rank in breaking the cycles of revenge and retaliation. It is they who show restraint in using their power destructively when they could continue to do so.  In so doing, they open the way for reparation, learning and transformation of relationships that might not otherwise be possible. We might better learn from such people and recognise their gift to us.

From blame to responsibility  - owning and processing our emotions

Many of us don't suffer or bear pain well, especially emotional pain. We tend to rail against the world, events, the other for causing our emotional pain. We blame, judge, try to block or wipe out what we erroneously deem to be the source or the cause of our pain, as if it were nothing to do with our personal human functioning, as if the generators of our emotional distress were outside rather than inside.  (I am not suggesting here that there are not external life conditions that are unsupportive, unjust, unfair and in need of changing).

The cornerstone of this challenge is to realise that it is not others or the world that generate our painful emotions but our own unfulfilled needs, violated values and unrealised (sometimes unrealistic) beliefs and expectations. Owning and taking responsibility for our emotions and our needs, values and beliefs that give rise to them is a major challenge for most people since we live in cultures that have encouraged denial, disowning, suppression and devaluing of emotions and failed to develop positive emotional processing.

Many people experience themselves as being at the mercy of their emotional experiences rather than being in charge of them or having choices about how to interpret, express, and act in response to them.  The idea that we create our own emotions is foreign to the majority of people; that emotions, especially painful ones, are valuable and meaningful rather than just to be avoided comes as a surprise.  The notion that we can have charge over and can change our emotional experience to a more positive may be beyond what they deem possible.

When people stop marginalizing their emotions and become aware of, take responsibility for, and process their emotions, it becomes possible to communicate and relate in ways that benefit all parties; ways that are not possible when we deem the other or the world as being responsible or creating out emotional experience.  This shift in belief is the beginning of self-empowerment and potent responsible action.  It helps put people back 'in choice' and in charge of their emotional life and actions.

For example, anger (some would say fear) is the most prevalent emotion we associate with conflict.  We need to pay close attention to the way we experience anger to discover how we create it (this gives more options for controlling/ harnessing it).  When we take a closer look at how we generate our anger we find that it is often closely associated with or accompanied by 'mental pictures' e.g. visualizations of what the other is or is not doing to us or perhaps auditory self-talk about how the other should or should not behave.  These internal visual, auditory, kinaesthetic images generate our emotion - the physiological experience we label as anger.

Dwelling on such images focuses us on the other rather than on the vital energy they activate in us and the needs, values and beliefs that drive it, which deserve our greatest attention and which point to a constructive choices for using our energy.

We can exhaust our energy by ranting at the other or the world and in planning and getting revenge, or we can become more aware of and take responsibility for our emotions, learn how to understand them and, if appropriate, to communicate and take action to realise the needs, values and beliefs to which they point. In short, the challenge is to become more responsible and emotionally competent and to avoid reactive acting out our emotions without awareness, choice or understanding in ways that can be
destructive or that will escalate the conflict