The impact of personality preferences on conflict communication

What are you like?  

It is not unusual for people to have an instant like or dislike of others - they are too in your face or too retiring and shy, too controlling or too disorganised, emotionally effusive or too cold, don't pay attention to the detail or can't see the big picture.   What people often do not realise is that these dislikes are primarily generated by personality differences and preferences and not by some flaws in peoples' character as they are often deemed to be during dysfunctional conflict. 

Personality preferences result in different communication styles.  Having a way of understanding and being able to talk about differences and preferences is of enormous benefit in social interaction and can also help diffuse personality clashes.  We tend to get on better with people who have similar preferences to our own and are more likely to be irritated by people who have opposite preferences to our own.  All preferences have their strengths and drawbacks, none is more valuable than another but they may become help or hindrance if we do not recognise the differences and appreciate how they can complement or divide.

MBTI, TMP, and Kiersey all base their understanding of difference on Jungian concepts and so we will use this framework here.  In brief, the model is based on four sets of polarised preferences:

Extravert - those energised by the external and social world

Introverts - those energised by their internal world of experience

Sensing - those who gather information primarily via the five senses - the observable

Intuiting - those who gather information through intuition, detecting undercurrents, possibilities, etc.

Thinking - a preference for logic, deduction, 'objectivity', rationality

Feeling - a preference for 'subjective' response based on emotion, values, etc.

Judging - a preference for order, predictability, structure

Perceiving - a preference for spontaneity, going with the flow, flexibility

The model reflects preference, which is not the same as competence, but it is usually the case that those who have strength in one are often weaker on the opposite end of the polarity.  It is a bit like being left or right handed - we use both but one is stronger than the other as we tend to use our preferred one.

The strengths of each preference often result in the weakness of that preference especially when overused.  Below I outline some behaviour that tends to be associated with each preference, which may appear during conflict or create difficulties in communication.

Extravert

• May not listen enough -too full of what they want to say
• Talk louder and faster - clarify their viewpoint as they talk
• If they can say "just one more thing" it will be sorted - may say too much
• Want to talk out problems now - may get frustrated/ panicky if they can't

Introvert

• May not say enough - may miss the opportunity to speak and regret it
• Most often at disadvantage when conflict erupts - need time to reflect before responding
• Like advance notice of issues and time to prepare/ rehearse before interaction
• May want to withdraw inside themselves when conflict takes them by surprise

Sensing

• Like to argue the facts - the more specific the better.  Search for truth may distract from what is most important.
• Prone to sidetrack bigger issue by focussing on details of less relevant issues
• More concerned with sorting the present hurt/injustice than creating a better future.
• May miss the undercurrents - what lies behind the words/ between the lines

Intuiting

• Tend to make broad generalisations - may inflate specific incident to sweeping pattern
• See sensors emphasis on facts as nit-picking, irrelevant
• May miss the obvious or 'forget' inconvenient details
• Prone to seeing 'half empty glass' - what is missing/ not being addressed and miss what is

Thinking

• Tend to get too analytical/ task focused in a dispute - fail to attend to impact on people
• Logical arguments may have little to do with hurt feelings involved
• "Try not to get emotional" tactic - may miss own and other's emotional signals and needs
• Tells the story from outside experience - disassociated/ objective - seem cold/ unsympathetic

Feeling

• Tend to personalise everything - even things that were not meant to be personal - blame self or others, may overlook context.
• View conflict as something to be avoided - tend to give in before issue is resolved to re-establish harmony
• Tell the story from the inside experience - what it feels like - but difficult to stand back
• May confuse how it is with how they are feeling

Judging

• Tend to see things in black and white and demand others do too
• Know that you/they are right or wrong - difficult to change their mind
• May fear loosing control - be too attached to their particular solution
• Tend to reach for closure before considering all the options

Perceiving

• Tend to see many options - can see/ argue for all sides - few things are black and white
• Trouble bringing conflict to a conclusion - always more data emerging so more possible solutions or conclusions
• May fail to give due consideration to time pressure and priorities.
• May over-complicate and loose momentum for action

Non-preferred type and unskilled articulation of preferred type

While people generally tend to reflect the strengths of their preferences in everyday interactions within their comfort zone.  Many conflict interactions are stressful and at such times people may revert to  behaviour more typical of their preferred type.  For example:

• Introverts may clam up or withdraw into themselves when talking is called for.
• Extraverts can talk when they need to listen or think before speaking
• Intuitives can jump to conclusions/ become a bit paranoid and fail to check the facts
• Sensors can reel off the facts but fail to appreciate the bigger picture
• Feelers can experience intense emotions and be unable to stand back from the situation
• Thinkers can insist on applying logic when sensitivity to feelings is what is needed
• Perceivers can make mountains out of molehills keep searching rather than face the obvious.
• Judgers can close down the inquiry too hastily when the going gets difficult.

Some tips for using type in conflict

It is important to :-

• consider how others are similar or different and how this helps/ hinders
• use the model as a way of discussing differences before they generate personality clashes
• recognise and maximise the benefit of each others preferred type
• be tolerant and to minimise the ill effects of non-preferred type
• develop skills in all types especially your non-preferred ones

 

For further reading:

Killen, D., Murphy, D., (2003) Introduction to Type and Conflict, California: Consulting Psychologists Press