Listening During Conflict (Part Two)

We often prepare ourselves to speak but rarely to listen.  Listening requires effort, requires transcending the attention deficit culture in which we exist and as well as our own inertia and tiredness.  No small challenge especially in the midst of a conflict, but the rewards far outweigh the effort. 

Listening is not just about listening to the other; it is just as much about listening to ourselves - all parts of ourselves, to the background sound of the context and environment of the conflict and to the music of the interaction as well as to the issues at stake. 

Listening often requires that we slow down the tempo so we can take in information and make sense of it.  Each of us listens in very different ways and we can become impatient if the other is not communicating in the way we like.  For example, some like to go into the narrative, others like you to get to the point and stop beating around the bush and will switch off or interrupt if you don't.  We may have to listen in many different ways and adapt to the communication styles and language of others.

In conflict there are so many competing voices clamouring for attention, it is usually only the heavyweights - the loudest or most intense, often those threatening or under threat, that can make them selves heard above the din.  The quieter voices may be frozen in fear, playing dead, and therefore get marginalized or overlooked.  And yet these quieter voices whether sub-personalities or group members, can be the source of connection and good listening.  Our ability to hear and include all voices may be a good measure of our ability to resolve and transform conflict.

The quality of our listening is often determined by factors such as our emotional state, what we believe is happening and by the intentions we hold and attribute to the other.  If we are inflamed with anger or hurt we may be unable to hear the good intentions of the other; if we see our conflict as a power contest we tend only to listen for what supports our position or for the vulnerability in theirs; if we believe we are being attacked or undermined we may fail to hear conciliatory gestures; if we attribute malevolent intentions it is difficult to recognise the caring overture.

Listening well during conflict honours, values and respects the other and so creates a dilemma within us in that it runs contrary to the tide of our antagonistic emotions.  It also makes us vulnerable to the other, to being transformed by them, and therefore makes our own position less certain or unassailable.  Ultimately it enables us to recognise disowned parts of ourselves in the other and to discover the deep connections and interdependence that exist and are disturbed by our conflict with them.

Listening well requires that we are open to being influenced and not just trying to change others or get our own way; that we hear what disconfirms our position or interpretation and not just what reinforces or confirms our preconceptions; that we draw out and inquire into the confused or inarticulate messages and signals rather than dismiss those voices that are weak or unclear.

Blaming the other for poor communication, for being inarticulate, or for not saying what they mean can be a way of abdicating our responsibility for understanding what is being said.  It loads responsibility on the other to communicate in a way that makes it easy for us to understand and holds them responsible for misunderstanding.  Good listening assumes that communicating effectively is difficult and that much of what we need to communicate during conflict has to find its way through multiple barriers before it can be clearly articulated and properly understood.  As listeners we need to take responsibility for ensuring we receive the message we are being sent however confused it may appear.

When we are listening well we are reconstructing their world within ourselves, creating a space for them within us.  (Einstein believed that love was about creating space for another.)  The better we listen the truer/ more realistic, more comprehensive will be our internal representation - our understanding of that person or the conflict and its context.  Listening entails trying to gather as much accurate data as possible to create our internal representations.  We need to be careful not to confuse data with inferences, or leap to assumptions or conclusions based on limited or incorrect data. 

Listening entails identifying and checking out the data.  But listening is centrally about the meaning we attach to the data.  We may agree on the data but have very different ideas about what it means and may not be aware of these differences.  It is the meaning we attach to the words, how we interpret the data and what we regard as important and of value that matters.  We need to listen for and elicit these meanings and realise that our seeking the truth often masks our search for and need to be able to trust.

In preparing ourselves to listen it is useful ask - what are we not able to hear/ listen to?  What is at risk or at stake if we hear it / take it on board?  What we are blocking or filtering out and why?  We may believe that their needs and ours are incompatible and that if we listen to their needs we will have to forgo our own - so we don't listen; we may think that we know and are right about their undeclared or denied intentions and insist they admit as charged before we trust again - so we don't listen; we tend not to listen to their accusations because even if a little of it were true our self-image might be tarnished and our credibility undermined.  We find it difficult to hear their feelings or suffering because we feel at least partly responsible or find their pain stirs up our own - so we do not listen.  We may feel so hurt that we do not care - so we don't listen. The list can go on and on and we will need to address these impediments to listening through our own innerwork if we are to be able to listen compassionately. 

We may find it easier to listen to different parts of ourselves - our sub-personalities - and we can ask which part of us is doing the listening? It may be that some parts of ourselves are better able to listen than others and that to listen well we may need to identify with those parts and dis-identify from those that find it more difficult or are threatened by what is being said.  Observing ourselves in this way while listening can help us understand ourselves better, make best use of our resources and help maintain ourselves in a listening state.

It is difficult to listen if we are already full up.  The spiritual teacher continues to pour tea into an already full cup to remind the disciple of the need to empty oneself in order to acquire new knowledge.  So too we need to empty in order to be able to hear anew.  We will need to suspect our bias, suspend our beliefs, question our certainties and assumptions, and wonder at the intensity and meaning of our emotions.  And like the blind men touching different parts of the elephant, we need to remind ourselves of the partial nature of our perception before we leap to incorrect conclusions or confuse fact and inference with our beliefs.