Insight : Face or identity needs in conflict interaction

Everybody has face or identity needs though these vary from person to person and we naturally strive to maintain, improve or strengthen it.  Face needs relate to self-concept, role, trustworthiness and credibility etc. and enable us to function, be taken seriously, feel good about ourselves and accomplish our goals.  Our face needs are usually linked to "significant others" who hold us in esteem or who we want to hold us in esteem.  E.g. parents, siblings, colleagues, intimate partners and so on. 

Loss of face communicates increased weakness and vulnerability and enhances the likelihood of retaliation, coercion or being taken advantage of.  Verbal aggression often stems from the need to face-save and is likely to occur especially when the diminution happens in front of one's significant others.  Controlling or protecting "face" seems to be tied to controlling outcome and can interfere in dealing constructively with substantive issues.  Meeting "face" needs is critical to a successful outcome.

Our tendency to blame others is often a subtle way of bolstering our own self-image while avoiding responsibility for our part in creating the conflict.  We like to portray ourselves as more co-operative than competitive in dealing with the conflict, and see the other as having traits that can explain the cause of the conflict without reference to ourselves, thus absolving ourselves or avoiding having to consider how we might be at cause or at least partially responsible.

Assuming and acknowledging responsibility for one's part in creating a conflict usually signals a major turning point and advance in the process of dealing with conflict - it is often the most difficult. 

Admitting responsibility can have disturbing implications for how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us.  Our self-image and self-esteem is often a significant part of what is at risk during conflict though we may not be aware of it or willing to admit it.  Much of our defensiveness and refusal to take responsibility is often driven by the need to protect our self-image.  Admitting responsibility is much more likely to take place when an individual's self-concept is secure.  Being aware of the importance of "face" or self-esteem needs and how they are being met or undermined during conflict can prevent unnecessary escalation and greatly improve the chances of successful outcomes.