Disabling Beliefs

Beliefs play a critical role in the way we handle conflict. Besides our needs, our beliefs play a central role in generating our emotional response and, like needs, we may often be quite unaware of them or their impact on our way of relating and communicating. Behaviour driven by unconscious beliefs has a compulsiveness or rigidity to it that impedes effective handling of conflict, which usually requires mindfulness, flexibility and adaptability. Awareness of the beliefs underlying our behaviour gives us greater choice in relation to our behaviour. Recognising a dysfunctional belief can enable us suspend the emotional force generated by that belief and the ineffective action that follows on so the belief can be tested for validity and value and more constructive language and action chosen.

Our belief systems, along with our needs, values and principles form the backbone of our motivation.   Beliefs are powerful internal drivers and can over-ride commonsense in conflict situations when our identity and self-concept is threatened. Awareness of our drivers can alert us to the pitfalls and help us be mindful of potential threats to our identity and the unbalancing impact they can have on us. Normally, we operate within our beliefs and without consciousness of them. To examine a belief system we need to be able to stand outside it or back from it and temporarily neutralise the grip of its driving or motivational force. This is difficult to do in the midst of conflict when the driving force may be at its strongest unless one has previously had some practice in evaluating one's beliefs objectively.

Typically, in conflict situations, we hold beliefs as to how people should behave and therefore what the cause of the conflict is and this leads us to conclusions as to who is at fault or to blame. Our beliefs are usually based on our own past experience or the lessons we were taught or took on board from parents, mentors and the experience of others. Our beliefs are our notions of how the world works - a kind of private logic that generates expectations of how people will or should behave. If these expectations are not met we have an emotional reaction - strong or weak - depending how much is at stake or at risk. We tend to see the other and their failure to meet our expectations as the cause of the problem or conflict.  We are may be unaware of our own belief or unvoiced expectation that may have been the major contributor to the conflict, perhaps  - a belief that we are right so, of course, they must be wrong and they are dishonest not admitting it. People ought to tell the truth, right?

Beliefs generate feelings and motivate us to take a certain stance, or speak and act in ways that are informed by these beliefs. If the beliefs are erroneous then the subsequent feeling and action may amplify the error. Thinking based on erroneous beliefs also result in assumptions and faulty conclusions that will appear untenable to opponents or fail the reality test. Early recognition that a belief is operating can enable us evaluate the belief and its underlying assumptions and can help prevent destructive action and escalation.  Not getting the results we desire or intend despite trying different behaviours can often indicate a need to re-evaluate beliefs and assumptions.

Because we feel the urge to act defensively in conflict before we are able to surface the belief or test the assumptions, beliefs can cut us off from the present reality and shut down inquiry or exploration of a conflict situation.  If we believe we are right we don't feel the need to inquire further. We may quickly jump to conclusions based on our beliefs and often treat them as facts when they are at best assumptions and interpretations rather than observations.  Reality testing our beliefs against observations - those of others as well as our own - can help us re-evaluate the validity and usefulness of our beliefs and their applicability to the conflict situation.

Beliefs function like theories that help describe, explain and predict what will happen depending on their quality.  They help form our strategy to guide our actions particularly in times of uncertainty when we feel the need to act before we have time to gather enough information, as often happens in conflict. Even when we are aware of our beliefs - they often carry hidden assumptions that may mean that they do not apply to the context within which we are operating even though they are valid or hold true in others.  The better grounded our beliefs are - the more they accord with the reality of the conflict situation, the more effective they will be in guiding our behaviour so we may need to question and adjust them if they do not seem to be working.

Albert Ellis (of Rational-Emotive therapy fame) identified four sets of belief systems that significantly influence our thinking and behaviour when in conflict. These relate to beliefs about cosmic order, hierarchy, others and ourselves. More often than not these become disabling beliefs which position us at the mercy of the world, hierarchy, others and ourselves rather than in charge - seeing ourselves as victims or powerless rather than being in charge, response-able and potent. Recognising and liberating ourselves from these widely held but disabling beliefs can empower us and greatly enhance our ability to handle conflict in a more constructive manner.

Disabling beliefs about the cosmic order are reflected in statements like "that is just the way things are",  "it will never work", "it will work out alright in the end", "don't bang your head against a brick wall".  It is a world of absolutes rather than probabilities reflected in words like "always", "never", and suggest a fatedness or determinism which leaves us with no alternative options. It is a way of thinking which by implication forces us to comply with the status quo as if it were a cosmic order that is beyond our control or influence. Such disabling beliefs around conflict include "nobody ever wins in a conflict", "some people are just evil/ troublemakers, aggressive, etc.", "people are always motivated by self-interest".  Challenging such deterministic beliefs can help us feel more "at cause" and in charge rather than at the mercy of events and help us empower ourselves.

Many disabling beliefs in relation to hierarchy hold that position determines the person, that people in superior positions are superior and "who are we to challenge them?"  The tendency is to internalise at a very early age that those in positions of authority and power know best, are superior in everything, and that challenging them is futile and likely to be unsuccessful. Many, especially those in power or of higher rank, would have us believe that they are superior in more ways than just social position. At best they do not disavow us or collude with such beliefs as hierarchy confers many benefits and privileges to those in superior positions. Raising awareness and questioning hierarchy could render them vulnerable to losing such benefits, privileges and influence.  "The boss knows best - it is not my responsibility", "It is best to keep your head below the parapet", "you can't fight City Hall", "the most powerful always win out in the end - there is no point in challenging them", all reflect beliefs that militate against challenges to hierarchy that are often needed but avoided in handling of conflict.

Disabling beliefs relating to others include the notion that others have similar beliefs, values and principles as we do and, if they don"t, they are wrong or there is something wrong with them.  We therefore expect others to behave in prescribed ways though we may only become aware of the expectations we hold when somebody acts in a way that runs counter to the "rules".  During conflict we can feel let down, betrayed or tricked when someone does not play by the rules - our rules that is - and tend to blame them for bad behaviour. Such beliefs and rules are often buried in our language in the form of "shoulds, musts, have to, can'ts", and so on, and we assume that others also hold these norms or should hold them if they claim to be good people of integrity. Sometimes we take these beliefs so much for granted that we are shocked or find it difficult to accept that others think differently.

The discovery that others operate from a different set of belief or rules needs to be used as a trigger to explore these different beliefs rather than as an opportunity to label, blame or punish others as so often happens in destructive handling of conflict. The first step is to recognise that a belief is in operation and the second is to become aware of the belief system and suspend it as the driving force of our feeling and action, at least until we can check its validity, underlying assumptions and rules. This requires emotional competence but can help us uncover many unrealistic, inappropriate or simply unvoiced expectations that create so much conflict and disrespect other's beliefs and right to choose.

Beliefs about self can be just as disabling and undermine effective handling of conflict. These relate to how we believe we should be or must be to be/ feel good, competent, worthwhile, lovable, etc.  They appear in internal "self-talk" as shoulds, musts, etc. and self-judgements based on our notions of success, failure, good behaviour, etc.  Such beliefs can be seen as standards that we expect of ourselves or we believe others expect us to live up to.  We judge ourselves by them and failure to meet them can undermine our self-esteem and self image - our psychological health and well being. 

Such beliefs are usually unconscious but powerful drivers of our conflict strategy and lead to compulsive or inappropriate behaviour in conflict.  We may, for example, have adopted these beliefs or standards from others without considering whether they are appropriate for us or we may have standards that are impossibly high for us to reach. Yet we continue to apply them to ourselves leaving us vulnerable to low self-esteem and unstable identity or self-concept while at the same time trying to hide our vulnerability resulting from the gap between our espoused standards and our behaviour.

Beliefs, about what or who we are, are often disturbed or threatened in the midst of conflict. Existing vulnerability around identity or self-esteem is often reactivated or exacerbated and can lead to rapid escalation of a conflict. Bodily physiology triggers defensive reaction to threat to beliefs about our psychological identity even before we become aware of it or of what is being threatened. Defence against such threats tends to monopolise our attention at the expense of awareness of other perspectives. We may not even be aware that we have gone into defensive mode rendering us unable to respond constructively to the broader issues in contention or the concerns of our protagonists.

Surfacing our belief systems and subjecting them to negative inquiry, i.e. in what ways might they not be valid or true, can leave us feeling vulnerable or even to question some of our deepest personal constructs, self-image or identity. The task may feel daunting on your own so the help of a support group, a good listener, coach or skilled conflict practitioner may be needed to start you off or help you in the more challenging moments of the journey of self discovery and capability building.  Remember reviewing beliefs is only part of the complex capability needed to resolve and transform conflict.