What is a difficult conversation?
A difficult conversation is anything you find difficult to talk about, for example raising performance issues with an employee, or looking for a raise above that which your employer has offered.

Difficult conversations are a normal part of life. Whether we like it or not, we will always face difficult conversations at times in all our interactions with others.

Should we avoid or confront such issues? If we try to avoid the problem, then most likely it won’t go away, we’ll feel taken feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we’ll wonder why we didn’t stick up for ourselves, and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things. But if we confront the problem, things might even get worse. We may be rejected or attacked; we might hurt the other person in ways we didn’t intend; and the relationship might suffer. A dilemma.

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. There is no way to throw a hand grenade with tact or to avoid the consequences. If we hold on to it, it may well explode in our hands.

Changing how you deal with difficult conversations takes work. Like changing your golf swing, it can feel awkward at first. And it can feel threatening: breaking out of you comfort zone is rarely easy and is never risk-free. But it can be done – and the potential rewards are rich.

It helps to view a difficult conversation as really four parallel and entangled conversations

What we can’t change, and what we can
In each of the four conversations we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings and get us into trouble. No matter how skilled we become there are certain challenges in difficult conversations that we can’t change. “What happened?” may be more complicated than we originally thought. We will still run into “emotionally” charged situations that feel threatening. Unconscious defence of our psychological “identity” may temporarily disable us or we may encounter “power” imbalances that limit our options.

What we can change is the way we respond to each of these challenges. Typically, instead of exploring what information the other might have that we don’t, we assume we know all we need to know and understand and explain things. Instead of working to manage our feelings constructively, we either try to hide them or let loose in ways that we later regret. Instead of exploring the identity issues that may be deeply at stake for us (or them), we conduct the conversation as if it says nothing about us – and never come to grips with what is at the heart of our anxiety. Instead of finding our power and using it constructively we try to undermine that of others or try to gain power over them.

By exploring the nature of each of these conversations and the way they are interwoven we can unpick the distortions, reveal the complexities and create vibrant and creative responses to conflict. We can change the course and the outcomes of such difficult conversations.

1. The “What Happened?” Conversation – What’s the story here?
This is where we spend much time struggling with our different stories about who’s right, who meant what and who’s to blame. On each of these three fronts – truth, intentions and blame – we make a common but crippling assumption:

a) The Truth Assumption - I am right and you are wrong
This simple assumption causes endless grief. However you are never right! When I know am right, I tend to stop listening to you – I already know the truth! But you may also be right and difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values. They are not about what the contract states, they are about what the contract means.
Moving away from the truth assumption frees us to shift our purpose from proving we are right to understanding the perceptions, interpretations and values (what is important) of both sides. Instead of delivering messages, we can ask questions and explore how each person makes sense of the world. And to offer our views as perceptions, interpretations and values – not as “the truth”.

b) The Intention Invention - Assuming we know the intentions of others when we don’t.
What I think about your intentions will affect how I think about you and, ultimately, how our conversation goes. But intentions are invisible. We assume them from people’s behaviour. In other words, we make them up - we invent them. More often than not we are wrong. Intentional hurt is seen as more serious than accidental hurt so leaping to unfounded assumptions can be a disaster. Our intentions are usually multiple, complex, sometimes unconscious leading us to give unintentional double or contradictory messages. Uncovering the multiciplicity and complexity of our intentions can increase transparency, understanding and rebuild trust.

c) The Blame Frame – who’s to blame for the situation.
When the company loses its biggest client, for example, we know there will shortly ensue a ruthless game of blame roulette. We don’t care where the ball lands, as long as it doesn’t land on us. But talking about fault produces disagreement, denial and little learning. It evokes fears of punishment and insists on an either/or answer. It distracts us from exploring why things went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. Focusing instead on understanding the contribution system allows us to learn about the real causes of the problem, and to work on correcting them. The distinction between blame and contribution may seem subtle, but it will make a significant difference in our ability to handle difficult conversations. It is the difference between putting your antagonist in the role of joint problem-solver rather than that of accused or defendant. The former encourages a more constructive response.

2. The Feelings Conversation – What should we do with our emotions?
The question is not whether strong feelings might arise in a difficult conversation, but how to handle them when they do. In the presence of strong feelings, many of us work hard to stay rational. A common view is that getting too deep into feelings is messy, clouds judgments - and in work may seem inappropriate. It can be scary or uncomfortable, and make us feel vulnerable.

However this reasoning fails to take account of one simple fact: difficult conversations are at their very core about feelings. Feelings are an integral part of the conflict. In the short term, engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings may save you time and reduce your anxiety. But if feelings are the issue, what have you accomplished if you don’t address them?

Emotions are at the heart of conflict. We have positive emotional responses when our needs are met, values honoured, expectations fulfilled and beliefs confirmed. We have negative emotional responses (fear, grief, anger, etc.) when they are not. We create our own emotional responses. Instead of blaming others for our feelings or being hijacked by them and blindly acting them out, we need to become aware of them, understand and take responsibility for them and take constructive actions to meet our needs, realise our values, etc.

All feelings whether positive or negative, give us valuable information about others and ourselves. The values, needs, beliefs and expectations that they reflect energise and drive our behaviour in both conscious and unconscious ways. Taking the time to understand and communicate the meaning our emotions can lead us to more cooperative and effective ways of addressing the underlying drivers of our behaviour. When unconscious or poorly communicated they can limit the quality of the conversation and generate considerable conflict.

Understanding, talking about and managing feelings are among the greatest challenges of being human. There is nothing that will make dealing with feelings easy and risk-free but we can learn to the recognise distorted and destructive ways of handling and communicating our emotions that alienate from, repress and sap our life energy such as judgemental attack, gossip, bullying or harassment.

The language we use in talking about our emotions is critical. It reflects our awareness, ownership and responsibility for our emotions. It can communicate empathy and compassion for others and ourselves or it can alienate and escalate the conflict. These are language skills that can and must be learned if we are to have productive conflict resolving conversations.

3. The Identity Conversation – What does this say about me?
This is about what I am saying to myself about me and what the issue/conflict and its outcomes might say or imply about me. Anytime a conversation is difficult, something beyond the apparent substance of the conversation is at stake. Asking for a raise? What if you get turned down? In fact, what if your boss gives you good reasons for turning you down? Ostensibly the conversation is about money, but what makes you sweat is that your self-image, reputation (psychological identity) is on the line.

Imagine you have to inform an employee about being laid off. The prospect of telling the person involved might make you anxious, in part because you fear how the conversation will make you feel about yourself and how it may affect the way they view you.

Often what makes difficult conversations difficult is the implied or explicit, though not necessarily intended, threat to our egos or psychological identity. Our competence, worthiness or goodness may be at stake or at risk. Face-saving devices such as agreeing not bringing up sensitive subjects in public, are often used to avoid such threats to our psychological well being but while effective short term measures these do not address the underlying vulnerability of self esteem and self concept that continue to generate conflict and undermine vibrant constructive conversation. Surfacing one’s vulnerability (at least in private) and strengthening one’s identity is required if robust conversation is to be sustainable.

Attacks or threats to our identity often result in unconscious defensive reaction such as fight, flight or playing dead behaviour that may be difficult to recognise or understand in ourselves. Its impact may make us lose our balance and over-react. In its mildest form, this may cause us to lose confidence, to lose concentration, or to forget what we were going to say. In more extreme cases we may feel paralysed, overcome by panic, stricken with an urge to flee, or even have trouble breathing. These reactions are natural part of our survival mechanism and outside our control. Early recognition of these defensive reactions and quick recovery of our balance and control becomes easier with practice.

4. The Power Conversation – How do we manage power differences and use our powers?
This conversation is about recognising the impact of power imbalance on the way we relate and communicate – about how we can use our powers in an uplifting and mutually beneficial manner rather than for self-interest and at the expense of others.

Despite our wish to the contrary and the oft-repeated phrase that we are all born equals, we clearly are not. Some are richer than others, some physically stronger; some have higher social rank, some higher emotional intelligence or higher levels of education than others. While sources of rank and power are multiple, inequalities in rank, power and the privileges that go with them are often a significant barrier to communication and a cause of conflict. For example it is more difficult for the person of less rank to raise difficult issues with the person of more senior rank and power.

We are usually less conscious of our own high rank and power and we tend to be more conscious of the greater rank and power possessed by others. Lack of awareness of our powers makes it more likely that we will misuse or abuse them. Having more power than others usually means having power over others. Signs of higher rank and power are coolness, confidence, not having to worry about how you come across, taking privileges for granted, being able to walk away or pull rank to get your way. Persons of lower rank and power reflect the opposite, as well as dependency, vulnerability and a sense of powerlessness.

Few of us like to feel powerless, vulnerable to misuse of power by others, or being dependent on others to meet our needs. However, we are less conscious of the dependencies those of lower rank may have on us or their vulnerability to misuse of our power, regardless of whether they report to us in employment or they serve us as customers. We strive for freedom and independence, often at the expense of others, in order to get away from such dependence and vulnerability. But we often forget that interdependence and power-sharing is the pathway to great achievement whether in working teams or social groupings.

Power is the capacity to make things happen yet it so often gets reduced to “power over” - making people do things through reward, punishment, maintenance of dependency, coercion or shaming (or fear of it). Such uses of power often damage relationships, destroy the desire for voluntary commitment on which high performance depends and make longer-term cooperation nigh impossible.

Moving Toward a Learning Conversation
Despite what we sometime pretend, our initial purpose for having a difficult conversation is often to prove a point, to give them a piece of our mind, get them to do what we want or change them i.e. to deliver a message as forcefully as possible or as necessary.

When you understand the challenges inherent in the three conversations, you are likely to find that your purpose for having a particular conversation begins to shift. As you come to appreciate the complexity of the underlying conversations involved, you may find that you no longer have a message to deliver, but rather some information to share and questions to ask.

Instead of wanting to persuade and get your way, you seek to understand what happened from the other person’s point of view, explain your point of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to find a way to manage the problem going forward. In so doing, you make it more likely that the other person will be also be open to inquiry, and that you will both learn something that significantly changes the way you understand the problem and your relationship.