In this edition: We explore some of the common challenges we encounter or shifts we may need to make when choosing to deal constructively with conflict. (This is the second of two articles on the topic)

In pursuit of healthy ways of dealing with conflict there are some typical challenges that we need to understand and find ways of overcoming the barriers to progress they present.  Here I explore some of these challenges and suggest what may need to be done to address them. 

Avoiding/overcoming polarisation - developing empathy and compassion

A significant challenge for many wishing to resolve or transform conflict is to be able to step into the shoes of their opponent, to see and imaginatively experience the world as they see it, to have empathy and be able to sympathise (suffer) with them.  People get caught up in their own stories in the midst of conflict.  They become convinced that they are right and the others are wrong - that the truth and the world are as they see it.  They are trapped in their way of interpreting the other's actions and intentions. A mirrored position from opponents leads to polarisation and the makings of intractable conflict. 

Paradoxically, sympathetic friends and professionals whose interest or role is adversarial advocacy often make it more difficult to empathise and sympathise with our opponents.  Their sympathy and support for us can compound our feelings of hurt, dig us further into defensive positions and increase our antipathy towards or demonise our opponents.  We must beware the negative impact of supportive voices without loosing the support they offer.

As a mediator you are expected to hold a neutral position, but it is common to find antagonists trying to convince you of the legitimacy and correctness of their position in the hope they will get a better settlement, as if you were an arbitrator or judge.  Asking such a person to present their story as the difference between the two sides is often more helpful than asking them to stand in the shoes of the other and is a small step towards being able to empathise or even sympathise.  It also begins to establish a  "third position" from which the conflict can be witnessed and which enables antagonists to tell their story from the "outside" as well as the "inside" - to work "on" their conflict as well as "in" it.

Defensiveness and self -protection - choosing hope over fear

Defensiveness in response to attack or even anticipation of danger is a natural response and often an unconscious reaction during conflict.   Typical defensive responses of flight, fight or play dead occur before we can consciously choose how we will respond. The best we can do is become aware as early as possible of our defensive reaction and to try to understand what we are protecting; what/who we are defending ourselves against is usually more obvious. Recognising what we are seeking to protect e.g. our physical being, interests, family, friends or more subtle dimensions of our being such as self-worth/value, reputation, identity, and so on is part of the challenge of becoming less defensive and which is critical to effective handling of conflict.  Knowing what you are trying to protect makes it easier to take practical steps to alleviate fear generated by what is at risk or under threat.

Fear is always about the future though it is often triggered by our memories of the past.  However, our fears can be overwhelmed or even obliterated by our own or others hurt and anger.  Sometimes fear or anxiety is difficult to recognise - it may take the form of feeling ill, inability to think straight, aggression, flight and unwillingness to meet our opponents, unwillingness to surface or to reality-test our beliefs or assumptions.  The challenge includes recognising such behaviour as fear and that it can be generated as much by imagined internal thoughts, unconscious anticipation of threat and personal needs for safety as it can by real external threats.  Ability to discriminate between the two can help us deal with fear.

Fear can also paralyse us and render us unable to speak to or even meet out antagonists.  Fear is usually a signal of danger and we ought not to ignore it.  Transcending fear entails understanding our physical and psychological needs for safety and learning how to create such safety for ourselves. We may need to seek the support of a trusted third party or mediator so that, if our fears were to be realised during engagement with our opponent, we have an advocate or mediator to help create it.  However, our fears can also be about things that will not happen or are unlikely.  It may even be fear of fear that disables or undermines our self-assertion (see next section).  When we choose hope over fear we will suspend our beliefs regarding what we fear will happen, at least temporarily while we test them out.

Discovering our power - creating choices and becoming assertive

Power is reflected in being aware of and being able to exercise choice and to assert our needs and values.  In conflict, we often experience ourselves as powerless, restricted, or oppressed and being unable to do anything about it - often being afraid to choose/act even if aware of the options.  Many, especially those who have been hurt or on the receiving end of abuse of power, may be reluctant to use their power at all for fear of hurting or abusing others. However, this edge against using their power may render them unable to assert their needs or deprive them of the energy needed to stand for positive values.  We can learn how to use power in an uplifting and non-abusive manner.  Discovery of our own powers and rebalancing of power in the relationship is a significant but core challenge that must be overcome if we are to be successful in resolving or transforming conflict and unhealthy relationships.

Power is as much about perception, belief and awareness as it is about external factors in the social and environmental situations in which we find ourselves.  Learned helplessness is a major barrier - those who abuse power quickly teach us that standing up for ourselves and for others can be very costly.  The message is "keep quiet, keep your head down and you will be allowed to keep your job/ relationship, benefits etc." And there are other benefits from seeing ourselves as powerless, as having no choice, as having to submit or comply with a higher power.  Namely, we can absolve ourselves from responsibility - not so much for the situation in which we find ourselves which may be beyond our control - but for the small decisions over which we have control and the choices we make that allow abuse of power to continue.

Many try to use their power to change the other in order to resolve conflict and then, if unsuccessful, feel powerless and may resort to hurting the other to feel more powerful and even things up, albeit escalating the conflict.  A first step in this challenge is to shift the focus to changing ourselves.  While we may find this equally difficult, we are more likely to be successful and increase our own sense of potency and therefore be in a better place to relate to those we see as being more powerful, to transform both the relationship and the situation in which we find ourselves.  We have many different types of power of which we need to be aware and know how to use.  We also need to become better at assessing the risk of asserting our values and needs and may need to find help to develop these and create environments where we can safely assert them.

Building capability  - learning new competencies

Many rely to a great extent on others to resolve our conflicts.  It is easier to pass the buck.  It is tempting to always consider it someone else's responsibility to sort it out - the boss, the person who caused it, Human Resources, etc.  It is less hassle to get the boss, the arbiter or the judge to sort it out, to impose a settlement.  Then you don't have to get to grips with the complexity of the conflict, admit to the denials, the evasions, the boundary violations, the concealments, the misuse of power, the risk of loosing face, the failure to build relationships that may underlie the presenting issues, and so on.  Neither do you have to face up to the absence of skill, understanding and goodwill that would be needed to resolve it yourself or commit to the time and effort it would take to develop these. 

If there is one thing that is glaringly obvious, it is that people who are having difficulty in dealing constructively with conflict will have to learn something new in order to be able to do so.   Dealing with conflict calls for advanced communication, relationship skills and understanding.  Yet most of us don't see it that way but expect to resolve it with fairly basic or little interpersonal skill.  It is easier to blame the other for being off the wall or being an asshole than to admit that you yourself may have some learning to do.  This admission and engagement in the challenge of learning, by all parties, can greatly assist in generating sustainable resolution or even transformation of the situation.

Taking the short cut, letting somebody else decide and getting away from opponents as fast as possible works for some conflicts but building satisfying and robust relationships, whether personal, work or community, requires that we develop the capability to resolve and transform conflicts.  Where ongoing relationship is required and we let others decide, the solutions are often superficial, do not address the underlying generative issues and often exacerbate relationship problems through the adversarial nature of the process and by delivering win/lose solutions.  Learning new skills is slower but gives us more say in the outcomes and the opportunity to build relationship as we practice.  It also means we will not be quite so dependent on the support of arbitrators, mediators, solicitors and well-meaning friends.

The fact that we find ourselves in an ongoing conflict that we cannot resolve should tell us that we lack the competence (and maybe commitment) to do so.  We need to recognise and acknowledge early on that when we are unable to resolve conflict satisfactorily then we need to learn.  If we do not recognise we are in conflict or we believe that it is someone else's fault and we take no responsibility for sorting it out, it is unlikely that we will accept and commit to the learning needed to develop the required capability.  Admitting we need to learn is a first step, committing to learning together is even better.

Being willing to suffer  - being vulnerable to transformation/ showing leadership

Somehow, many of us have come to believe that we should not have to suffer, especially emotional pain, and that suffering is demeaning and meaningless.  This is especially true of those of us who are lucky or privileged to be able to avoid or distance ourselves from the adverse life conditions that generate it or from direct experience with those who are suffering.  Others diminish the impact by buffering painful feelings through addictions such as power, drugs, alcohol, sex, work or television.  When we act out the hurt or numb ourselves to keep from feeling hurt or pain we then refuse or are unable to deal with it when circumstances no longer allow us to avoid it as happens during conflict.

The challenge is first of all to accept our suffering. We are not exempt, though we may try many ways to deny, avoid, buffer or cut off from it as outlined above, e.g. by making others suffer - blaming, shaming, judging, criticising, etc. or trying to annihilate, remove or neutralise the perceived source of our suffering through verbal attack, coercion, or even violence.  Secondly the challenge is to suffer in a meaningful way that connects, uplifts and transforms rather than demeans ourselves and others or adds to collective suffering.  Reminding ourselves of the higher value or purpose served by our suffering (hopefully temporarily) e.g. for a better relationship, care of children, meeting customer needs, or building community, makes the emotional pain easier to bear and more meaningful and uplifting. 

When we cut off from the pain and suffering, our own or others, we desensitise ourselves, we lose the capacity to empathise and sympathise, making it more likely that we will hurt others or be unaware of it when we do.  Being in touch with/ showing our suffering makes it easier to connect with others and open to being moved by their suffering, our shared humanity and vulnerability, which unites us in our desire to support each other and alleviate suffering arising out of our human condition.  When we identify the nearest "cause", the person who is causing our suffering and try and stop or remove them, we also miss the opportunity to be transformed by it, to enhance our relationships and our connection with the world.

At its most basic, this challenge requires that we accept and not act out our hurt and painful emotional responses but treat them as natural pointers to our unmet needs; that we show and find the meaning of our own suffering and find positive ways of meeting the needs or re-evaluating the beliefs and assumptions highlighted by it.  Meeting this challenge includes being able to listen to the views and suffering of our antagonists and finding shared meaning and purpose, even though this can be uncomfortable and painful at times.  It means that we remain committed, not just to alleviating suffering but to discovering how we may be creating it and finding more life-enhancing ways of relating and dealing with our conflicts.